It was at about this time, two years after my initial diagnosis of depression, that I was diagnosed with colon cancer. ![]() The contract validated my illness, and I considered the successful completion of the contract a major milestone in my recovery. The PHS contract was another valuable element of my professional rehabilitation, because it provided me with a structured program through which I could formally document my recovery under the guidance of my PHS associate director and designated monitors at work. The kind, helpful, and understanding individuals at PHS gave me the chance to see myself as a person with depression rather than a worthless resident, and allowed me to trade in the sentiment of shame for a sense of accomplishment and pride in battling the pain of depression. ![]() In turn, their inspiring stories gave me hope and strength, and I began forming friendships. Though I am shy by nature, I was able to share my experiences with fellow physicians and find comfort and empathy instead of judgment. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who understood what it was like to go through life with depression. My participation in the weekly meetings at PHS as well as my sessions with my counselor played a very important role in my road to recovery. It was at this time that I found out about Physician Health Services (PHS) in Massachusetts. However, the diagnosis did allow me to finally receive proper treatment with medication and psychotherapy. Most importantly, I could not talk to my peers about the pain of depression as I could if I suffered from migraine headaches or a bleeding stomach ulcer. Depression would not relieve me of the guilt about having failed at my job in the same way a diagnosis of hypothyroidism would. Depression would not exculpate me for my dismal performance as a resident in the same way, for example, a brain tumor would. I knew that many people - even some in the health profession - regarded depression as a character flaw rather than a true illness. My condition proved to be a very isolating experience, and the isolation only intensified the disease and its accompanying shame and loneliness. Curiously, the diagnosis did not come as much of a relief. Instead, I was diagnosed with depression. I desperately almost hoped that I would be vindicated by the diagnosis of some physical ailment. Slowly I began to wonder if I was contracting some sort of dementia.Įventually I decided to schedule a medical workup to rule out any disease that could possibly be causing my symptoms. It seemed as if my mind was paralyzed and I was condemned to play the role of the worst resident in the program. I remained slow, inefficient, disorganized, and was almost always late - very late. ![]() It was a very frustrating struggle, because no matter how hard I tried, I could not improve. Despite the demoralizing effect the ensuing negative feedback had on me, I resolved to overcome the hurdle. It was a frustrating time, since it had always been very important to me to do my work in a conscientious manner. Having always been blessed with an excellent memory, I noted with dismay that I was often unable to recall basic facts I had read. In addition, I had trouble concentrating on even the simplest of tasks. In fact, I did almost everything, including walking down the hall and going to the bathroom, at a very slow pace. I was repeatedly unable to complete my work in a timely fashion. However, six weeks into my residency, I was in trouble. It seemed as if my hard work had paid off and my dreams were realized. Everything seemed set, and I was about to start a residency program at a prestigious institution. ![]() I completed high school, college, and medical school with great success. The onset of the disease was insidious, but even today, I still vividly remember the painful episode in my life.
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